Thursday, July 18, 2013

Changing Negative Behaviors Takes Time!!/NonviolentParenting

Sometimes children's behavior make take a while to change. They must unlearn the negative behavior and learn what to do instead...that's discipline.

The following is from a page on Facebook called Nonviolent Parenting:

Setting a positive example is the best way to teach.

If you're feeling frustrated with your efforts in positive (non-punitive) parenting and think it's not working, consider this:

1. It’s too soon. You’re expecting immediate results. You were in a “dance” with your child…you had moves, she had counter moves. If you’re changing your moves, the two of you will have to learn a new dance. That’s why things might actually look worse before they look better. Your child needs time to get accustomed to a new dance and be able to respond in sync.

Tip: Keep going. Keep practicing your new “dance moves.” With consistency, your child will come to understand the kinds of supportive, trustworthy responses she can depend on and relax into.

2. Your child doesn’t feel connected to you. If there are frequent behavior struggles, there is also most likely a disconnection in the relationship between you and your child. Due to interactions based on control, punishment, shame, or physical or emotional isolation your child has perhaps put up a wall to protect from vulnerability. Work at bringing this wall down and coming closer together, emotionally. Once it does, the tools of positive parenting will be much more effective.

Tip: Special time. Make time every day for 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time with your child. The only focus is on staying open to his temperament and personality and getting to know what makes him tick.

3. You’re still focused on the behavior. Nothing about parenting is perfect and nothing is foolproof. Remember that your child is maturing–physically forming new connections in the brain that will help with self-regulation in adulthood. That process of development will never look perfect. Every example of imperfect behavior you see along the way is an opportunity to come alongside your child with help and support.

Tip: Reframe your perspective. Successful parenting is not about controlling a child’s behavior. It is about teaching children to control their own behavior.

Monday, July 8, 2013

E+R=O or Event + Response (Yours) = Outcome. The only thing that you have control over is your response to events; so if you want a different outcome, you have to change your response. For example, if the event is whining and your response is to constantly remind them to stop, you might want to change your response to ignoring. However, it’s the behavior that you are ignoring and not the child. As soon as their behavior becomes appropriate, notice get more of the behavior that you notice and encourage.