Clash of the Titans!

I took my first STEP class 20 years ago when my son was 3 years old. I figured that I needed help when I was arguing with him over whether the garage door should be up or down, and it was an argument that he was winning!! He had always been a handful even as an infant.  He spent the first 3 months of his life screaming and projectile vomiting. Of course that was because he had a hard time with his formula but I took it personally.

I threatened, I cajoled, I tried to break that defiant spirit numerous times but it didn't work and I was worried. What would happen in 10 years if we continue yelling and screaming at each other? Where would he go to find love and acceptance if he wasn't finding it at home? What would he use to find comfort? I had lived through addiction in my family and wasn't going to watch it happen again, especially to my kids.

So I hesitantly took a parenting class. I say hesitantly because I was skeptical and didn't want anyone to tell me how to raise my kid.  It wasn't a magic wand, it didn't work overnight; but one morning I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. His usual routine when he would wake up and find his dad had gone to work was to question where he was and then throw a fit when I told him he had gone to work. That usually sent him into a tailspin and I would end up telling him to knock it off. I would explain that his dad would be home later and he could see him all he wanted but that just made it worse. 

So one day I decided to try this new STEP skill, reflective listening, that we learned in class! It's a skill where you listen and reflect feelings which, in turn, helps the person who is talking to you feel validated. I couldn't wait to try it and then tell my parenting facilitator that it didn't work. I thought it sounded crazy and wouldn't produce any results. So, that morning, Luke comes into the room, asks where his dad is at, and I tell him. He says, "But I wanted to kiss him goodbye and now he's gone." Ok I thought this is it...."Luke", I said, "it sounds like your sad because Dad is gone and you miss him." First, he just stood there and looked at me like I had lobsters coming out of my ears; then he said, "yeah, I am." and walked away!!!  You mean that's it, that's all he wanted, I could have been getting better sleep a long time ago had I known this 3 years ago.

Since then I've obviously become a disciple. I've been doing this for 20 years and it's the best $30 investment I could have made in myself and my children. I now use this skill with everyone from my adult children to the cashier at Meijer who is having a bad day. And, knock on wood, my children are now 20 and 23 and not using drugs. I believe with all my heart that it's because of the skills I learned in my first STEP class.

Well, I also think it's that defiant spirit that I hated so much when he was 3. I asked him once when he was 18 why he hadn't fallen into the trap of drugs that were so readily available to him and his friends. "Well", he said, "my friends know that I won't do it and if I have to tell someone more than once, I'm done with them."

So, I can't tell him what to do but apparently no one else can either!

If you are interested in more information on parenting issues, CARE of Southeastern Michigan offers parenting classes throughout the year at various locations in Macomb County. You can view upcoming classes, get more information, and register online at http://www.careofsem.com/workshops.php or call CARE at 586-541-0033.
I also co-host a parenting chat at http://www.macombdaily.com/ with the Health and Lifestyle Writer, Maryanne Kocis-MacLeod, on the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays of the month at 11:30-12:30 pm.

My Way or the Highway

I'm going to be doing a presentation tonight on cooperation! I know from past experience with parenting groups that what they really want to know is how do I get my kids to obey me?

"My way or the highway" works for awhile when they're little but soon looses it's power as they get older. It also seems desirable when they're small because they do what you want and they learn to please you when doing it, but it doesn't do them any good as they become older and they encounter others in their lives who aren't as "safe".  That need to please and be accepted by other people may also become important when it's their peers who want them to try drugs or participate in other unsavory activities. That need to please and be obedient may not be so desirable if they encounter someone in authority who may take advantage of their role as an authority figure.

It may sound crazy but we need to appeal to their logical side. They need to understand the importance of what they're doing and how it helps when they cooperate. They also need to understand how to say no to you and negotiate. Now I'm not advocating snotty, sarcastic remarks from children and teens, I'm talking about learning how to talk respectfully to someone when they don't agree and how to negotiate for their needs assertively.

And they're going to learn that from you. How do you act when you are in a confrontation? How do you act when the person you are confronting is out of control? The hardest thing parents hear from me is to draw your boundaries, walk away, let consequences occur, and let your teen have the last word. They think I'm nuts...but I'm asking you what you want your teen to learn. How to scream louder or how to behave in a responsible way when someone else is out of control? Besides, when you leave a conversation in that way, you always have the ability to go back later and try again.

Think about what you want them to learn at that moment. Don't always get involved with their issues.  Let them solve their own problems by asking, "What can you do in this situation?". Let them fail sometime; it builds character.  Teach them how to get up, brush themselves off, and try again. Encourage, encourage, encourage them to try again. And last, but not least, notice progress and improvement; that's how you get cooperation!

If you are interested in more information on parenting issues, CARE of Southeastern Michigan offers parenting classes throughout the year in various locations throughout Macomb County. You can view upcoming classes, get more information, and register online at http://www.careofsem.com/parenting_ed.html or call CARE at 586-541-0033.  I also co-host a parenting chat at http://www.macombdaily.com/ with the Health and Lifestyles Writer, Maryanne Kocis-MacLeod, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month from 11:30 am to 12:30 pm.

This Is Going To Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You

This past Wednesday Maryanne and I hosted a parent chat on spanking. Most of the comments during the chat were from like-minded parents; however after reading some of the comments in the transcripts for the chat, I can see that there are a lot of parents who still believe that children are suffering from bad behavior because they are not being spanked on a regular basis. I've heard many parents throughout my 20 years of teaching parenting classes who still do not understand how detrimental corporal punishment can be to a child's development.

I would like to share a link to Chick Moorman's website and hopefully, you can subscribe to his very informative newsletter, Spirit Whisperer. Chick was a speaker at our parenting conference a few years ago, and was incredible.  I hope you will click on this link and read the #4 article  entitled, This Is Going To Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You, it gives a different perspective to the spanking issue: http://www.chickmoorman.com/newsletters/05-MayPar.html

If you are interested in more information on parenting issues, I co-host a parenting chat at http://www.macombdaily.com/ with the Health and Lifestyles Writer, Maryanne Kocis-MacLeod, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month from 11:30 am to 12:30 pm.
There are also parenting classes that are offered throughout the year by CARE of Southeastern Michigan in locations throughout Macomb County. You can view upcoming classes, get more information, and register online at http://www.careofsem.com/ or call CARE at 586-541-0033.

What Are Girls Learning?

My 19 year-old daughter and I were watching a segment on The Today Show about a high school senior who wanted a very provocative picture submitted in her yearbook as her official graduation picture. The school refused so her mother encouraged her to take the school to court over the issue….really? I understand where this mother was coming from. She probably wanted her daughter to fight for what she believes in and was trying to support her although one of the panel members in the discussion thought that the mom was trying to be her friend and not her parent. 

I would love to see this young woman become a future activist and stand up for what she believes in, but again I have to ask, really this is what you’ve chosen? There are so many issues taking place in our country right now that I would love to see young people get involved with like Occupy Wall Street, funding cuts to Planned Parenthood and WIC, or even volunteering at a local agency to mentor other teens learning to make good choices.  Why would this young woman need to fight the school, in court, to have a picture in the yearbook that looks like it would be more comfortable in the pages of Victoria’s Secret?

My daughter who was watching the show with me asked, “Mom, what would you say to that girl?” Actually I was ready to answer because I had been thinking about it as soon as I heard that the mother wanted to support her daughter in this cause. I told her that I would ask the high school grad why she wants herself represented this way. This is her crowning moment; a representation of her steps up from childhood into adulthood. Putting aside the fact that future employers or your future children may see it for the moment, how will you feel about it in the coming years? Do you see yourself as a sum of your body parts? Do you think that the only way to be noticed and appreciated is if you look sexy? Is that all there is to you as a woman after all your years of hard work in school?

This young woman may be a very nice person. She may be very intelligent, hard-working, compassionate, and a future go-getter; but I wouldn’t know that by looking at her senior picture. I wish that the mother of this young woman had gone with her when her graduation pictures were taken to help her to consider the poses that were suggested and help her draw some appropriate boundaries (after all mom and dad are paying for the pictures, right?). I hope this mom is talking to her daughter about how important it is to represent herself as an intelligent woman with lots of great character traits to show to the world, not body parts. I hope she is encouraging her to think about what’s really important for her future and how to fight for causes that lift women to higher levels instead of bringing them down to sexualized objects.

What are we teaching our daughters?

If you are interested in more information on parenting issues, I co-host a parenting chat at http://www.macombdaily.com/ with the Health and Lifestyles Writer, Maryanne Kocis-MacLeod, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month from 11:30 am to 12:30 pm.
There are also parenting classes that are offered throughout the year by CARE of Southeastern Michigan in locations throughout Macomb County. You can view upcoming classes, get more information, and register online at http://www.careofsem.com/ or call CARE at 586-541-0033.