A few weeks ago, I read an article in The Washington Post about Elizabeth Smart, the Utah teen who was kidnapped and held captive for 9 months. She was speaking to an audience at Johns Hopkins about issues of human trafficking and sexual violence and offered an answer to the question, “Why didn’t she just run away?” She explained that being raised in a conservative culture that emphasizes sexual purity left her feeling "so dirty and so filthy" after her rape. She felt as if no one would want her anymore and so why run away. She also mentions a presentation on abstinence that she attended where the presenter compared sex outside of marriage to becoming like a chewed up piece of gum. "Who would want you then?" the presenter asked.

Social psychologists and sexual abuse counselors agree that comprehensive sex education can help prevent sexual crimes. Teaching children about their bodies gives them the tools to describe acts of abuse without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable, and it also helps elevate their self-confidence and sense of bodily autonomy. A shame-based approach to genitalia and sexuality, on the other hand, sends kids the message that they can’t discuss or ask questions about any of those issues.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/05/07/elizabeth-smart-mormon-teaching-on-sex-stopped-me-from-escaping-kidnappers/

1. Teach your child, at an early age, the correct names for all of their body parts.

2. Keep the lines of communication open, especially during difficult conversations, by practicing active listening and managing your emotional responses. If your child recognizes "the look" on your face that says your uncomfortable, they will be too and communication may stop right there.

3. Practice being non-judgmental by using reflective listening, "It sounds like you're angry at me right now because I won't let you go to the party." This form of communication helps children to feel heard and understood without judgment.

4. Be honest...if you don't know the answer to their question, tell them and commit to let them know you will get back to them when you've found the answer.

As parents we may not be able to control all aspects of our children's lives but we can help them to be educated and have positive personal power over their lives and difficult situations. This honest information may give them the tools they need to cope with difficult situations and avoid becoming another victim.

Talking to Teens about their Parents!

This link takes you to an informational new series on Yahoo hosted by Katie Couric. She provides the latest news and information on a variety of topics. This discussion between Katie, a child psychologist, and a small group of teenagers is about "the scary teenage brain"...what do they think parents should worry about, what shouldn't they be worried about.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/katies-take-abc-news/talking-teen-083049974.html

Peace, love and understanding!

A couple days ago I saw the article about the 9 year old who wanted to peacefully respond to the Westboro Baptist Church members who were picketing at Washburn University in Topeka, KS.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/05/16/152821271/9-year-old-to-westboro-baptist-god-hates-no-one?sc=fb&cc=fp

I'm sure he felt safe holding up his sign with his Mom nearby and it may have been different if he was with his friends. Either way I'm glad to see his Mom support his desire to stand up for something that he felt was important. After all the things that parents are posting on their's or their child's Facebook to shame their misbehavior, this mother's posting of the indicident on her Facebook page was a nice change of pace.

How do we teach our children to be caring and empathic towards all people in an age when a lot of children are more interested in their Wii game then current events.

1. Don't be afraid to express feelings and talk about them openly within your family. Reflect what you think your child is feeling and show him that you will understand and honor his feelings even though you may not agree, "I can see that you're feeling really angry with me right now because I've told you no."

2. Discuss current events but also explain to them that there are others who have different views and it's ok to agree to disagree.

3. Model anger management especially when your child is being disrespectful. This can be very hard to do but is a gift that will help them with every conflict that occurs in the future.

4. Don't spank or use harsh judgment when disciplining your child. Everyone makes mistakes and kids need to know that they can make amends and move forward.

5. Try not to vocally express your judgment of others or their lifestyle or actions. Teach your child tolerance and that everyone has a right to live their life on their terms whether we agree with their life choice or not.

6. And last but not least consider joining a parenting or support group. Lots of parents get stuck on issues and discipline techniques from time to time and having the knowledge to consider an alternative teaches self-acceptance and a willingness to learn and grow at any age.

I'll use ridicule and embarrassment, that will teach her!

I recently read the article about the mom who wanted to punish her daughter for talking back to her and was confused about what exactly she wanted her daughter to learn.

http://www.whas11.com/community/Mother-takes-to-daughters-facebook-to--149217745.html

My first thought was that she wanted to teach her daughter to manage her anger so that she would speak to her with the respect that she is due. I also assumed that she wanted her daughter to understand what respect looked like so that they could have a relationship that was loving and nurturing which would leave the door open for opportunities to teach.

I soon found that my assumption was in error:

"Denise Abbott says her daughter Ava mouthed off, so she changed her daughter’s profile picture. It shows a picture of her daughter with an “x” over her mouth and reads, “I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut.” It also encourages people to ask why she is being punished.
“We decided to do something that I know would totally impact her and that the next time she started that, she’d think, ‘I don’t want my face all over Facebook again with a red ‘x’ over my mouth,” explained Abbott."

Did Ava have respect or conflict resolution modeled for her so that she knows how to handle her anger and disagreements with her mother in the future? No, she learned revenge so she will probably repeat the behavior but just be more sneaky about it next time. That will probably keep her from getting a red 'x' over her mouth on Facebook. So...I guess Ava's mother was successful.

Respect is not forced, it's learned. And the impact of modeling respect is much greater when a parent is faced with disrespect

Addcition can happen to even loving good families, like mine!

My brother would be 53 years old if he hadn't died 11 years ago from his addiction to heroin. He might have gotten married, had children, had a career, a life!! I'll never know because he had been an addict since he was an adolescent. I feel sad when I hear other women talk about their brothers and how close they are now that they're adults because I feel like he and I were cheated out of that.

My children, who were young at the time, had lots of questions. Why does he do things like that? Why is he in jail? Why does he take drugs when he knows they're so bad? I didn't know what to tell them, and I wanted them to get the correct information so that they could understand him and understand addiction and not judge him unfairly. I was also concerned because my brother wasn't the only addict in my family. My grandfather was an alcoholic; therefore, myself and my children were five times more likely to become addicts ourselves.

My children did get their answers; they also got tools! Tools that they needed to survive their adolescents with all it's temptations and readily available drugs.
They attended CARE's Project Focus camp. It's a free, 2 week camp for children 6-15 year old who have a loved one dealing with addiction or recovery.
http://www.careofsem.com/project_focus.html

Shooting a laptop? I didn't see that in any of my parenting books!

I recently watched the video that went viral on YouTube of the father shooting his daughter's laptop in response to her angry diatribe on Facebook regarding her parents!!  Typical teen response, not typical parent response.

Just a little bit of brain development info here to help make this typical teen response a little more clear: teen brains are not fully hard-wired (or myelated) until they reach their mid-twenties. In a recent article on NPR by Richard Knox, Francis Jensen, a pediatric neurologist at Children's Hospital in Boston, stated that a crucial part of the teen brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. "It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe and they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly." That's because the nerve cells that connect teenagers' frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. Teenagers don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter", that adults have in this area.Think of it as insulation on an electrical wire. Nerves need myelin for nerve signals to flow freely. Spotty or thin myelin leads to inefficient communication between one part of the brain and another, says Jensen....plain and simple that's why they make so many mistakes!!!


Our reaction to their mistakes is the crucial part of parenting. What is that father who is shooting his daughter's laptop teaching her about respect and revenge?


Even though teenagers look like adults, they're not. We need to be the role model of respect and "the right thing to do". This isn't the Wild West and we're not a bunch of cowboys. We need to start thinking about what messages our actions are conveying.


When my son was 13 years old, we got into an argument about washing the dishes. The last comment he made to me was, "I'm not washing the dishes and you can't make me." As I was getting up from the couch to tear the skin off his back, my husband stopped me, put his arm around me and asked me a very profound question, "How do you want this turn out?" Very good question since both my son and I are power people. If you tell either one of us no, we have to do it anyway just to prove you wrong. This could have been an argument that went on all night. Instead I took the opportunity to take a few deep breaths, think about what I wanted my son to learn at that moment, and talk to my husband about the STEP skills we had learned.  I went into the kitchen and said to my son, "Listen, we're like a pack of dogs here...we look out for each other and help each other out. I wash your clothes, make you dinner, give you spending money, and drive you and your friends around not because I have to but because I want to. Now, I feel confused because I never speak to you that way and I need for you to show me the same respect. How can we make this work out?" We talked a little more and he ended up washing the dishes, not happily and not without grumbling and complaining, but he did it. And, I have to say, he apologized to me later. Something he had never done before. I think the turning point for him was that I maintained and modeled respect. He didn't always respond that way but what my son saw consistently from his father and I was respect, and as he aged and gained some maturity, he in turn reflected that same respect to us and others.


It's our role and, yes our duty, to be the grown up here. We have more life experience and we need to put on our parenting pants (even if they feel tight) and model what we want our children to be as adults. Sure, shooting a laptop on YouTube looks great and it's so easy...but taking the time to calm down, think about what you want to accomplish, and model it (even in the face of anger and immaturity) is a lot harder but more of an investment in your child's emotional development and, in the long run, more of an investment in your future relationship together.


If you'd like to learn more about STEP and how to deal with teenage (and children's) angst, consider taking a parenting class. You can call CARE of Southeastern Michigan at 586.541.0033 to find out dates and locations throughout Macomb County.


And don't forget to tune into the next Macomb Daily parent chat on Wednesday, April 4, 11:30 am, at http://www.macombdaily.com/ Our topic will be the signs of depression and suicide in our children and teens.

Why healthy self-worth is important for children!

Self Worth – Self Worth is the value that people put on themselves and it's based on their self-concept and self-esteem. 

        “People in my life (father, mother, friends, boss, teachers) care about me.  I am valued by others, therefore, I value my self.”

Self Concept – Self Concept is the way someone thinks about him/herself.

       “I think that I am capable….I can do things for myself and accomplish important things.”

Self-Esteem – Self Esteem is the way someone feels about him/herself.

      “I feel good about myself.  I can make a mistake but it doesn’t mean that I am a bad person.”

Why should we care of our children develop a healthy self esteem?  It is important that children develop positive self worth, self concept and a healthy self esteem.  Children (and adults) who value themselves, think positive, and feel good about who they are tend to be happy, helpful children.   They take care of their bodies, and act in ways that will benefit their futures.    

A healthy (good) self esteem is based on experiences.  These experiences include the way he is talked to, the things that he learns, and the way he is accepted by others.  Parents are mostly responsible for their children’s self esteem because parents have the most contact with their children and and the most interaction with them.  Healthy (good) parenting helps to develop a healthy self esteem. The way that parents respond to their children's experiences helps them to process the experience as good or bad. Chose your words carefully. Realize that children and teens struggle to learn every day and notice their progress. Understand that brain development continues throughout the teens years till they reach their mid-twenties and be patient.

Ways NOT to build a healthy self esteem:

·         Yelling and screaming scare children.  Children who are yelled at will learn to yell themselves.

·         Hitting, yanking, or grabbing at children scares them.  Children who are hit, yanked, or grabbed learn to hit, yank, and grab. 

·         Name calling and swearing at children scares them.  Children who are called names and sworn at learn to call names and swear.

These methods scare children and they do not want to be around their parents.  When children are fearful and start to expect anger as a reaction, they stop going to their parents for help and advice and they stop using them as sounding boards for their big decisions. The people who are less scary and more accepting are their friends, so they start asking their advice and help on the big decisions...they learn their friend's values and morals instead of yours!!

Understanding that you're still ok even when you make mistakes and other's are criticizing you is huge and so helpful even when you're an adult.

Check out the CARE website at http://www.careofsem.com/ or call 586.541.0033 for our current list of parenting classes.

And don't forget to tune into our March 7 Parent Chat on Strong-willed Mothers and Daughters at 11:30 am at http://www.macombdaily.com/